Humbled and Amazed

"'Isaiah 58:11 The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.'
There is a satisfaction in life thatall men desire and seek. None are exempt. Some have already found this satisfaction in life, which is why they have been set apart. Today, the Lord wants to give us all this satisfaction if we only ask.
None can satisfy us more than our Lord. None can ever come close. God will guide us always; He will satisfy our needs and strengthen us. Even when we are thrown into a sun- scorched land, filled with trials, storms, and struggle. Failure after failure, the Lord our God still satisfies our souls,even when we may feel empty, robbed, persecuted, and abandoned.
It is easy to get our spirits down and wallow in our sorrow, instead of turning to our Lord. He is the only One who can satisfy. But what is this satisfaction we are longing for? It is definitely more than our physical needs,more than our temptations or even the necessary ingredients keeping us alive.
This satisfaction thatcomes from the Lord satisfies our souls. It satisfies us to the point where we are a well-watered garden, a spring whose waters never fail, EVEN IN A SUN-SCORCHED LAND.
Our Father in Heaven cannot be replaced. No other is like our God. None can satisfy our human bodies and souls; none but You O Lord. No one else compares or can even be measured. How sad it is when we can put other gods or ways of life in the same sentence with our Lord Jesus Christ."
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If you read yesterday's post then you know that I was exhausted. So I get on Facebook check my stuff after I walked the dogs since my sisters were at our neighbors house spending the night and I stayed up to about 10:30, but then I actually get into bed and I'm just shaking. I put down my iPod and start to pray. I prayed most of all for the Winter Retreat and our neighbor Lexi. I worship, but then I try to fall asleep and I just couldn't, so I read my Bible through my app on my iPod and it was Hebrews 12:2-17 , still couldn't sleep so then I go to another app "growing deeper everyday" and that's where I found the devotion up above. Ooh wow was I humbled and amazed at just right then and there I was just awestruck at God's timing and just from seeing so many things in God's timing I should tell you all about them (sooner then later).
Anyway, I had posted on the Youth Group asking for prayer about my anxiety because I am just sick of it, some people said they were praying so that's good! But then this morning mom and I go to get water, she asks if I was anxious about the Winter Retreat, nope I'm just fine, she then tells me Mrs.DerGregorian (a friend of a friend of mine and my friend) apparently messages my mom on Facebook saying she worries about me, uhh well thanks I'm practically speechless because honestly it's hard to believe someone would worry about me and I guess it's me coming to see both my weakness and the diversity of the body if Christ (but the diversity of the body of Christ has blown me away in months past, especially since I moved ) I defiantly think of Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." Now don't get me wrong I'm really tired of the anxiety, but I'm also thankful for it because in my weakness God has been teaching me to pray and worship. Oh it's just great! I think Satin is pretty downright scared. I think of Job and his sufferings and yet he still stayed with the LORD. I think of the end in Job and its Job 42:1-6 "Then Job replied to the LORD: 'I know that You can do all things; no plan of Yours can be thwarted. You ask, 'Who is this that obscures My counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. 'You said, "Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.' My ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."
That's what I call surrender. I find it interesting because many people don't really read the Old Testament, I personally like it. Think of it this way, if you've read Shakespeare, first you don't understand a thing, but then you get into it and it becomes easier to translate, well the Old Testament is the same way and it starts to apply to our lives today. So yes the anxiety comes and goes and just finds a way to weaken me. Honestly I think many of you who know me know I am not usually weak, but truth is, yeah I'm pretty weak and fragile.

The Day Has Come To An End

Well it's really been an a exhausting day. At least I didn't have to walk the dogs this morning. Anyway it all started at around 9ish this morning and as usual I woke up tired. Nothing says hungry like eating 3 eggs, now let me explain, normally I cannot stand eggs, but I was hungry and the fact that we had that or oatmeal I was not about to eat oatmeal again. So then mom mentions she's going to find Emily shoes for the Winter Retreat and she had to pick her phone so I tagged along. Woo, I did not know I was in for it let me tell you... So we just hung around the East side of town for hours, so much for school. Well it was pretty darn good and indeed it was exhausting. Although I must say I did enjoy going to ABQ uptown, I think I'd prefer Royal Oak, Michigan to go "window shop" around. Meh I can't complain because we might get some fish eventually. But some of you should know I love fish and no I can't really eat fish I'll keep them as pets. Still the only few "bad" things is that my knee was killing me and I could've sworn my ankles would've but my ankles had a break today. So that was today pretty much. My sisters are so funny, they went to see what makeup would look good on them, woo they're eyes were freaking green, although me and makeup? Hehe... No don't think of it, but I told everyone I have no good reason to wear makeup (even with Cole liking me it's just not happening), so Faith is like you have every reason and Emily kinda agreed and I just don't see any perfectly good reason at all. So really I guess you assume that I'm just that kinda girl but I'll admit I need to get better about the skirts and slightly nicer clothing. Still being really tired I'm pulling though as always. Although I'll let you in a little something, I'm dreading the month of March and some yet the rest of February. Now if you're curious about my anxiety, well, it's not bad but it's a steep to healing. I'm still wondering what else is going to happen but I guess it is all apart of facing fear and I haven't been so good with fear. I should just remember keep fighting for joy.
To tell you being a fighter is just not easy. So today was really good, would've had my last dance class tonight but; to late, to tired and to freaking crazy, you ought to know next week I'm actually starting the Bible Study next week and that will be over 12 weeks. So happy! I'm just so amazed at God's timing for this! Still if I have anything else to mention is I won't be updating my blog until Sunday or of you're lucky Friday, so please do me a favor and leave some comments. So this tired one is falling asleep and has to clean with an achey knee then the possibility of falling asleep until school or the dogs disturb me.
Well I will inform you when I do so laters.

Zombies

Well, I saw the movie Warm Bodies it was a really good movie. But honestly to many zombie themed things I'm getting tired of. I'd like to tell you I feel like a zombie and for that very reason is because I'm very tired and sometimes wonder if it's normal of me. But I'm sure you're all aware that I have my Youth Retreat this weekend that is a Zombie Apocalypse theme (Dead to the World Alive in Christ) for me it's going to be fascinating because its a typical subject I've taken to heart and thought through as far as I could many times. But as mentioned I'm not really feeling the teaching as strong and my mention of them using the New Living Translation as a "pet peeve" I'm still going to learn to deal with it until further notice. Anyway I guess I'm having no expectations because this Youth Group seems desultory or more "go with the flow". Still I can't really say I hate it, but I can say it's outlandish <---- well I guess it's only fair to say that because all Youth Groups ordinarily are. Pardon my extreme vocabulary but it seemed like a good day to get out the dictionary app. So let me go on about the subject zombies, it makes me kinda hungry, not for brains of course but really I'm just the kinda person that if you bring up food lets just say you've sent me to my doom because just the mention of food makes me hungry. Enough food talk... I guess I should let you all know that I'm freaked out a bit because it is the month of March soon and it being of the month of March it means Faith and Emily's birthday, March Madness x2, Ester, bright colors and spring; talk about needing a breath of fresh air. I guess it's time to bring out matzah too and that actually is good stuff. Well I guess I should probably stop freaking out and this is going to take a lot of time my friends. If you must know I'm really thinking of zombies and more realistically thinking if the Biblical perspective as Phillippians 1:21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die as gain." And Ezekiel 36:26 in other words Regeneration and Redemption of Israel. But what can I say? It's just my thoughts. I just hope I don't end up taking things the wrong way and try and go off to my explanation of things and believe you me pride will turn me backwards. I guess I need to remember to breathe if I just go crazy or whatever seems absurd just tell me, "relax, take a breath and it's all going to be fine", either that or, "breathe bird brain breathe". Better yet, "inhale, exhale and again, inhale, exhale". Might I include this crazy is practically the "new me" and not to mention the "new me" is pretty much the same as past only I freak out more, talk slightly less (although someone's on to me about liking to talk) and I now have a more "mushy" side that has had it's ups and defiantly downs. Still I cannot understand how moving has done this to me, thinking about it I thought 2013 was going to be a fearsome year. I guess if it really means me freaking out then yes. Oh yes I still hope something good will come of it. Anyway I should tell you moving to Albuquerque has been great and all, but really an unanticipated adventure, changing churches, having someone like me, start dancing, starting guitar and a seance of organization. So much for one day at a time kinda deal <---- something I shan't get into for one reason. Still have to get used to dealing with the day-to-day life I live. Well I guess that's really it for now until something more exhilarating or thrilling happens then you should know what to do.

Church, Pizza, Friends, Fellowship, Shoes and Dresses

Well today was exhausting, not to mention I didn't fall asleep until 3:30AM. Today at church I had done a skit about the Good Samaritan, quick note, no I was not the Good Samaritan, I was a girl who talked to her "boyfriend" about a movie and the "boyfriend" wanted to help but I said, "it was awkward". But that was that. Then after church we had pizza, fellowship and all that it was indeed fun, yes but I'm just still not so sure, yep three months later, I know talk about issues. After that we were going to dance only... only we HAD to go dress shopping; dreaded dress shopping, and many of you know I DO NOT wear dresses nor anything fancy for that matter. Well the explanation for this is rather long and interesting. Lets begin shall we? Well we have a Winter Retreat the theme is zombies and I don't have a clue where dresses come in, but apparently they have a formal dinner where the guys serve the gals. *gasp* Well the dress I'm wearing is purple and anyone who's anyone to realize purple makes my eyes pop really green. Still have cease to find shoes but oh ya know its no problem except mom, Faith and Emily want me to wear high heals so now I'm doomed. Although I guess it's not horrible, oh wait, yes it is because one I pretty much am going to fall over and two I'll be taller then Cole more then likely. Excuses excuses I know I'm full of them. So well I guess now I suppose I should show you both me in a dress and my zombie outfit. Hehe. But I must implore you, I'm very cautious of what I wear and it's modesty, not to mention I'm very self conscious. Although gladly I hope to be seeing Warm Bodies tomorrow perfect to test my zombie outfit. Well, well, well I want to admit though and change the subject so with the church I'm still not sure because we all know I never really am about anything. I mean I just have to decide; is membership is an option or not, it wouldn't be a bad idea but it's still debatable best. Truthfully I'm just so unsure. So yeah today was pretty good I guess in comparison to others. Mmm awkward... I'm sorry back to the random mumble jumble about things that consist of uncertainty today. Me and decisions I guess you could say that I am not very good about them, they freak me out and most defiantly feeds the anxiety. Apologies, I wanted it to be happy and joyful today so lets get back to Miss. Happy shall we? Yes I'm so glad today was just really good! And a little something I have to mention that I've failed to mention because of my little "pity parties". So I've been attempting to collect Bibles and Pastor Dan Cooley just gives me two. Woo score!! And I'm also pretty darn excited starting this week I'm going to start learning leadership!! Yes I guess it's time to say, "GOD IS GOOD!!!!" Woo!! So now if you ask, "is that all?" Mmm well, I had pizza, went looking for dresses (never realized how much I enjoyed that until today), hung out with some friends and I did have special bonding time with my mom. Still a long week awaits me with such things like school, chores, cleaning my room, laundry, pack, Winter Retreat, guitar and I'm hoping other slightly more productivity. Still I'm wondering because good days start to go down then up. Anyway I'll let you know how the Warm Bodies is movie is and just let you know how every one of my crazy little tasks go. Hehe yes well friends inform you again soon and indeed I'm pretty happy today even though it's not over.
Oh oh yes I will hopefully be working on my 5K training this week. Mmm the week that lies ahead.

When Everything Falls and Crashes to the Ground

Whenever radical grace is truly appreciated, extravagant worship is always reciprocated.
--Louie Giglio

I know how yesterday I said I didn't expect anything less of today then I did yesterday, well, honestly I really didn't, but as usual I was wrong. It was a pretty typical day for the "Kids and Chaos", but I've been messaging my friend back and forth about things like adventures and the fun we'd have. So I'm sure by now you've all realized things aren't exactly "peachy", well honestly it's still not fantastic. But yes, anxiety has taken it's toll, but it's something I'm learning to live with. Well I thought it'd become my new "normal", yeah let's just say me and getting comfortable in such things like this is a bad idea. Still I should tell you it's great to have someone to talk to about things that are going on it gets some feelings out. She recommended a book called,  Rest in the Shadow of the Almighty: Discover the Joy that Is found Living Under the Sovereignty of God, by Daniel Ledwith and I cannot wait to read it because I'm always looking for something good to read. But as we talk about life, other things and most of all our anxiety, the way I see anxiety is that it triggers fear and sometime just guilt too. I'll admit every time my anxiety attacked and attacks that all I feel is, fear, guilt, worries, troubles, afflictions and every bit of the future. I think about why fear? Well it's one thing because we live in a ever changing world and yet the amazing God we serve is always the same, yesterday, tomorrow and forevermore. Still during this entire (still ongoing) time through all this it has taught me prayer and worship. Now, with prayer I can't pray without getting on my knees, shaking and heart racing. Even more so with worship, I cannot worship without closing my eyes or lifting my hands: In doing all of this everything falls and crashes to the ground and every minute of it anxiety clears out and darkness hides. But even if it comes back it's the same thing, but I WILL STILL PRAISE MY GOD! And HIM ALONE! The biggest part we need to realize is it involves complete and total surrender, and if that means waiting on the harvest even though you still have no fruit then wait, and if you have to cry out of the depths and sing, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord", then praise Him with all you have!
Our God is Able and I want us all to remember this, not just me! But you know what? "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." But I'll stand as long as God holds me. It's hard sometimes when decisions and thoughts about how they are going to effect you and the future. <---- Yep that's one of the biggest things triggering my anxiety. One of the biggest things I am greatful for has to be my friends, though thick and thin, happy or sad and even in my darkest of times. I can tell you even though I've always had something to put up a fight about and that I even though I'm thick headed and refuse to do something I still come to Christ even though it's not always surrender, but it is joyful in the process. Take it from me joy is a hard thing to fight for and if you are not fighting for it you get pretty much depressed. No joy no life pretty much because all it feels like is your living for no one but yourself. So you know what I'm trying to let everything that makes me down fall to the ground and crash. I want you all to know if you've been praying for me, I just want to say thank you! Well I guess I should all let you guys go again any questions comments please just wright them down I'd love to answer them!

Kids and Chaos

Well for the next few day we're babysitting 6 kids. Luckily, there are 3 of us to manage the chaos, not to mention we have 2 dogs. Normally my sleep is inconsistent and the amount I get depends. Well last night and probably tonight I will get no sleep. Honestly I don't mind now, but my goodness it gives me second thoughts about things like kids. Oh dear me! Kids don't listen tell them don't do something and they have the urge to do it. Maybe reverse sociology will work. Hmm... No joking, joking well I guess I better try being more optimistic again. <---- Not an easy task let me tell you. Well it's defiantly a work in progress as is many other of my "tasks" and "ambitions" hopefully this will help me with my fruits of the spirt too. I don't mind these kids but 4 boys are a handful, I'll give credit to the girls they're not as bad. Being of the hour of 09:00 I still haven't had anything to eat.
Umm well aside from this fine morning of drama, kids and anything else that adds to this day. Although I'm glad they're here because there's never a blunt moment, unfortunately my life has to dull moments to be kept on my toes when really I'm on my toes now and all the same posting it here on my blog. Of course this is an overview until further due that which is of 17:30. Yes, yes I use military time. I know it's kinda something I've been trying to get into. So with mention that I am tired and kinda tired. Excuse my drama I'm just rather crabby. Well it's now 10:00 the youngest went for a nap and now they're eating again and watching a movie. Then comes my tasks of laundry and such.
Lunch time; well turns out I'm soo stupid and that's not an understatement. So I thought chicken nuggets were for lunch because I recall my mother saying they're for lunch. I guess I was wrong no surprise just my own stupidity. Yes I'm beating myself over this. Anyway, we had a trouble maker, says he's going to nap and rather then snoozing he's playing my sisters DS. Ohh boy was he busted. Side note ^^ I have a few good reasons to be more optimistic. Well now it's TV and supposedly hungry children. I don't suppose it's 15:30 yet do I? Well it's alright. I don't expect nothing more today and I don't expect nothing less of tomorrow. So I guess you will hear from me on Saturday and expect more exhilarating, stimulating and thrilling news I hope. Lets just hope it includes a good night sleep, getting work done and probably other good things. Oh yes simple heads up: next week I will be gone for a few days, hence my blog will not updated, thus I shall inform you on a exhausting Sunday afternoon. Perhaps I should allow you to see me in the zombie outfit I made. Clearly I'm going on so I'll let you go for now.

REAL Training

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TF_hxkh3mGI

This week at church they talked about REAL Training and for the past few weeks the sermon series has been on something REAL through the book of 1 Timothy. And up above is a YouTube link of the video they did for REAL Training using Eye Of The Tiger song. Heads up I would have been in the dance scene, but unfortunately I don't know the dance. Anyway it's been a interesting study on REAL this or that. I don't mind it at all it's pretty good I guess. If you'd like to know more about Cottonwood because I'm making it sound all weird and all that stuff I'll let you be the judge.

http://home.cottonwoodchurch.com/

You can tell me your thoughts if you'd like. Back on somewhat of this subject if I don't keep getting back tracked and giving so many details. So if you're asking if I'm getting anymore details out of Sunday mornings then I have been the answer is kinda. It's actually more of bits and nibbles still. But that's alright I guess. Might I add the pet peeve have is that they use the New Living Translation Bible. Now I prefer the NIV, but it is what it is. More background (please take note that I do enjoy this church, they're not a bad church in any means I just want to clarify that I miss my old church and that I'm just in a transitioning stage) so Cottonwood Church has great fellowship if you really want to get to know someone and feel welcome all at once. Youth Group, well from a student perspective it's wild, crazy, fun and overall has good teaching. However, I must warn you, we have an air hockey table upstairs and a triangle puck that could very well hit you at one point in time or another, you were warned. The Worship, well having my dad be the sound guy changes it up a bit. Actually it's pretty neutral either way, so if you want to life your hands up high to praise God by all means it's a pretty comfortable setting to do that. If you know Hillsong United then let's just say you'll probably know some of the songs. Very upbeat and lifting. The Preaching, well I must say for as light as the teaching goes it easy enough to understand no matter where you are with your walk in Christ. Not to mention it's pretty short.

But that's MY overview if you'd like to know more come on in on Sundays who knows they might have a 10minute party for you to meet the staff.

Now REAL Training, I was stumped on Sunday because I've been thinking about that blasted 5K and how in the world am I going to train for that: COMMITMENT duh. I chuckled because I have commitment to stuff like guitar, dance and setting up and tearing down for church. Hello earth to Melody I thought you can commit to this it's easy enough. Or is it? Ha well it's like Planet Fitness only Planet Fitness has "no term commitment". Fail.
So now I'm thinking what all think, "it's hard at first, but after its not that hard", okay legit statement. Obviously I need more commitment to working out in my spiritual life and physical life. That is what stumped me.

I guess time to get to work and stop with procrastination and not give up. Both are bad so I suppose I should get to it.

So more training with life and less being lazy.

Stepping Stones and Milestones

Today was very interesting, but really pretty darn good. Today at church I come to set up as I normally do and everyone asks, "how are you?" Me: "good and tired". Well I was talking to someone I knew alright, but barely. We talked for a while, I told her about my anxiety and she told me some possibilities to help with it and later she mentioned she's starting a Bible study for the woman of the church and it's the same one the men are doing so I thought okay sounds good I've been looking for a good Bible study. So we talk about leadership that so happens to be the Bible study subject. The downfall is it's the same night as dance. Well honestly I'd rather the Bible study. I think that's great to be able to study discipleship and leadership. I think it's really cool because like I said I felt God wanted me to learn leadership and now this is the next stepping stone to learning leadership. So it's something I HAVE to tell my parents why I should attend this oppressed to dance and how I think it would benefit then to say how it's in the evening. Anyway so I hope I can go to this Bible study it'd be fantastic! Its certainly God's timing. Then as we tear down my friend Caleb invites me to go to lunch with him, Alexi and Cole. I beg dad to let me go and yeah I get to go this time! We went to a nummy place called Chipotle. Oh yummy! To think what better way to have fellowship and get to know people! We had some weird subjects, but this is youth group pretty typical stuff to be weird and awkward. But I guess I'm getting better slowly but surely, still I don't think I'm going to be fully better, but lets try being optimistic <----- Ha! Sorry I'm trying to be more optimistic but failing obviously. Anyway you should know I'm doing better, so that's what counts. Now let me tell you a little bit about my "problem" this morning... Unfortunately the anxiety is at it again and yet it was still the same thing, I fall on my knees pray, worship, more prayer and then astronomy. But let me show you what I came across. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4-rlmqJ24o

Well I dunno weather or not it's true or whatever, but it was cool and is roughly 4 minutes.
Still I should mention that even though much of me is still fighting and the other portion of me is neutral I still can't expect either way to change my feelings about what is to come.
Still I'm pretty happy but I do admit I'm still down right stubborn about these things like swapping churches and getting to know people.
I guess I'm getting more antisocial then anticipated or in general if you will. Yes I'm changing and it's kinda weird. Heh what a thought. Well I suppose things are getting to a transition that is equally bitter and sweet. So that's today in my little nut shell.

Easy Come, Easy Go

Well today was bitter and sweet, but mostly sweet, I'll give you that much. I had a birthday party for my close friend Dylan. I laugh, he insisted I don't get him a present and then I told him I was going to get him a present basically weather he liked it or not. So I got him a shirt that said "Brony" (a teenage boy who likes My Little Pony) he knew I was getting it for him though. So let me tell you the story. So Emily and I go to the mall this morning and I finally find the store with the shirt, Emily asks, "are you sure he's going to like it?" I of course say yes. So I finally get home and run to wrap the present. After that we go to his house and I give him the present when he comes downstairs, he just gets right to it and opens it. He puts on the shirt right away and his mom says, "I think you just gave Dylan his best birthday present," he hugs me, says thank you and says he was going to wear it tomorrow, but he just leaves it on. Well hours later of playing Call of Duty Black Ops II people start to come and we hang out more Black Ops, food, sugar and a movie. It was all good and now I'm home and winding down after having so much Mountain Dew.
Well honestly that was nice and I'm glad it was an improvement. Now was today bitter? No not really but I have a little bit of stress, oh but for some reason it seams like the new normal. Hence easy come, easy go. Now the anxiety it's been okay it's annoying because one day I'm fine the next it's horrible. Ugh I just want to get over this stage. Really I feel kinda I between happy and depressed not bipolar, but just really not sure of my feelings. Maybe afraid is a better word. Anyway I don't want to bring you guys down, but that's just the way it goes around here. Certainly things are real easy come, easy go and that's the way I'm going to deal with it even if that means to face fears and overcome darkness. Well that's it for tonight I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. Could be better could be worse or just down right the same like it has been for two months.

Different Outcome: Proceeding Changes

This may sound really weird especially coming from me. Remember how I said I wanted change? Yeah I think most of us do, I'm glad I didn't accept "grow where you're planted". I just thought I'd tell you more about the church I'm currently attending. It's really not horrible don't get me wrong but it's not my style. The nice thing though is my sisters can understand the sermons and my parents have almost always been in a seeker style church since they got married almost 20 years ago and that's how they serve. Now what am I doing here? Well, I'll list a few reasons. One my parents go there and I can't drive to check out any other place (or in my case go back to Covenant of Grace) <---- That's not an option unless to visit for now. Two perhaps it is just to help set up and tear down. Basically to serve it could just be that I don't know. Actually the only reason I decided to accept going here is because I felt welcome and made new friends and I did not want to say good bye to them that quick. Then the moment where I met Cole. It's actually one of my shortest stories. We went to church that Sunday and they were having a picnic and I was talking to my newly founded friend Alexi, I talk about how I like getting into debates (yes it's true and awfully prideful of me) anyway, we talk, time to get some chow, I'm clueless I don't know many of these people and Cole and Dylan wanted me to sit with the youth so I did. We talked a bit and raced in one of the blow up thingies. Then Cole and Dylan sit by me for the introduction for the youth group (unfortunately we didn't stay) but then everyone asks, "will we see you again?" Yeah next week at youth. Well that next week came and then mom asks, "how do you like the youth group and the lesson?" ^^ Same reason, didn't want to say goodbye that quick. I think you all recall me telling you of Cole and I getting close, yes? Well that's the scary part, we only met in September. Yeah it scares me because before this I never in a million years saw it coming. <----- Probably should have told you that "love story" the other day. Awkward....
Now do I regret this at all? Meh it would have been better not telling everyone we're not leaving when we actually did. I beat myself up because of all people I should've saw it. <---- I certainly feel pretty stupid. However, it's nice getting that chance I asked for, but really this was what I wanted, but defiantly not the way I was hoping for. Still I'm in the same boat not really coming to church to learn or worship, I know that may sound really sad but it's true. On the bright side there has been a small amount of fellowship. So if now the question in your head is, "do you plan on becoming a member?" The answer is, I'm debating so far to my knowledge the answer is no. Now this might sound selfish but to tell you the truth I just don't see it as relevant because I could be thinking about leaving either the church or state as many of you all know I plan on going aboard.
To tell you the truth I think it will be interesting to see what happens. Funny story. So this year we could have moved to the East Coast, but we didn't. But the funny part is Faith was like, "if you go anywhere Cole will be so distraught and devastated if you leave!" Clearly my sister is jealous of me. ^______^
Okay sorry I'm done with that.
So who knows but I suppose change is still in season and I'm still in winter. Still I think my anxiety is starting to take its toll. But hey! I can't wait to see what God does through my weaknesses even though change has been raining and my life is in a drought. Hence this could b e a season for fruit.

Let's Try Something Different

Obviously my New Years resolutions have pretty much failed, so I'm trying something different. I just assume start Monday, yes hurray for procrastinating. I guess I should give you all a good excuse... joking, joking, the reason is this week has been exhausting and I just assume get some good rest before I take down some of my tasks.
-First off I'd really like to commit to working out and getting in much better shape then I am.
-Eat better, good grief I personally blame the blasted non stop eating season I mean it goes on, and on, and on then the worst part dad working for Blue Bell (no comment on that sorry).
-Get some work done would be nice too. I'll admit one of the reasons my New Years resolutions failed is because I was to lazy and honestly me being lazy has gotten the best of me.
-More sleep, I'm a night owl and wish I could sleep during the day, but alas, sleep in general is good. Perhaps some yoga, tea and no sugar two hours before bed would take care of that.
-Less time on tv and computer. It's true I watch wayy to much tv and I don't spend any less time on the computer either.
-Get better at guitar. As previously mentioned I learned how to finger pick at guitar lessons this week I just gotta keep practicing and then some more practicing.
-Spend more time in the Word. Honestly I've been wanting to go through Psalms for a while, not that I haven't read Psalms, but the entire thing.
-Getting over my past. I've held on to so much good and bad. I just want to get over the things that cause me pain and it's hard. Forget and not slow down would be good.
-Face a few fears. Yeah might I mention one of them is I am cloister phobic. I could list others but they're really stupid or sad.
-Better worship. Rarely in church do I really worship and it's really getting more difficult to worship in a congregational setting. I really want to worship Christ the way He deserves it and that includes being a prayer warrior too.
-Find a job. I'd like to get a job so I can go to Haiti and a few other places. I'm hoping to start the search in April and see where I can go form there.
-Join a sports team. Well I love sports and really want to play sports. I'd like to play soccer or basketball although I think I'm better at basketball then I am soccer.
-Go on a missions trip. Anybody who's anybody knows I love missions and it is my passion to serve Christ in that way. Man it'd be great to see the hand of God at work.
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Valentine's Day

It's that time of year again flowers, chocolates, cards, stuffed pink dogs saying, "I love you" and anything else having to do with Valentine's day. Err I'll be honest I'm not a huge fan of Valentine's day. Why you may ask? Because for one the color pink, me and the color pink just do not get along even though my sister's favorite color is pink. Another reason, when I was in 5th grade I got some number of cards and with weird cartoons or people then to add to that candy. Then the comes the card that say be mine? I think that scared me more then anything and still does to this day. Of course even with Cole liking me and vise versa it's still kinda weird. Personally I'm interested to see what happens but also kinda freaked out. It kinda makes me think what my sister Faith said. She was pretty straight forward and said I heard people thinking you were going to end up alone. Really? Although I wouldn't have an issue with that, I just thinks she's jealous. Then Em and I were babysitting last week and I told I never really imagined a wedding or really getting married. At least that's what I remember when I was younger. Still when I was in 5th grade I was basically one of the guys and kinda always have been. Well now it's all good I have an actual real girlfriend that is totally like my sister and helping me bring out my girly side opposed to my dude side. Now I'm just elaborating on about freaky stuff of my really bad past. Anyway I'm not trying to ruin all the Valentine's Day jitters, but I'm just kinda not a hundred percent certain on this holiday. However, the one thing best is it reminds me of my true lover: Jesus Christ and my my father here on earth. My Father in Heaven came as a man and none the less to live eternity as a man forevermore for me. He paid my sin and bore the wrath of YAHWEH all for me, to put the mark that I am His beloved and He is mine! My earthly father who has raised me up in The Lord, protected me from dangers like young men and he has taught me how to do much much more. But for me that is enough I don't need flowers, nor chocolates, nor stuffed dogs saying I love you and no pink, but the blood of The Lord that flows from His wounded side. John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." There are 531 results in the Bible. Amazing how Christ loves us more then we can fathom, His love is deeper then the ocean, His mercies new every morning and His vastness as big as the universe. He has lived in us and loved us, saved us called us by name and He is so amazing I can't describe how awesome is He to rescue me from sin.
Happy Valentine's day anyways!

Lead Me To The Cross (Worship)

Worship has been the biggest most significant exuberant thing in my life as it should be. But sometimes it's hard to worship because of inconsolable circumstances. It defiantly for me coming back to the heart of worship and having Christ lead me to the cross. I think of the days when I was younger, worship was joyful and fun. But to consider the fact we didn't know what we know now and that changes everything. Now with worship I try to praise God but there are some days where it's pretty easy and some days where I am just out of breath, heart racing and anxiety takes over to where if I try to sing I get really week. I don't know if you've ever felt like that but I'll tell you it's hard place to get out of. I think the reality of a lot of this is because things are changing and I'm learning new things about worship and styles of praising God. My style of worship has always been very calm and slow and made me come to the cross broken yet always bringing me back to the heart of worship. The style I'm learning now is joyful and upbeat not that it's bad or anything but it's just different and when they played a more calm song I started to come back a to the heart of worship. It's always nice to come back and worship. And over the past year my worship experience has changed completely because as mentioned I play guitar. I'm getting better and tonight I learned how to finger pick so it's defiantly going to make an impact for my worship experience. I do believe my Bible studying is going to be on worship since there is 120 results in the Bible. Anyway if your like me and struggle to worship just lift up your hands sometimes it's the only thing you can do to worship.

Life

Lately life has had it moments where I want to be left alone and cry, it's even had its thoughtful moments where I think of things I miss, it's even had the moments where it feels like darkness all around and moments where I don't feel connected to anyone like God, family and friends, I just feel so distant from all of them. I just want to go to a place where I can be alone, in silence and just reading God's word; praying and worshiping Him with no distractions. I would love to just get so close to God. I think my hardest tasks right now are giving complete surrender to God, fighting for joy and just to keep running the race. I admit I am weary and restless when I want to be energetic and reckless for Christ. I just think of Habakkuk 3:17-19, Psalms 130 and the entire book of Job and how they trusted God "even though the fig tree shall not blossom", "Out of the depths I cry to You oh LORD. More then watchmen for the morning" and even my favorite in Job 42:1-6. They're faith inspires me to keep moving and so dose Psalm 51:10-12 "Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirt within me. Cast me not away from You presence, and take not Your Holy Sprit from me. Restore to me to the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirt."
That is my prayer, for God to return to me the joy of His salvation. Even though it has been a battle I know it's already won and one day I will hear, "It is finished!" But for now I will wait. Like yesterday when I was talking about desire I found that mine is to serve God in different ways like worship while I'm waiting and even just encouraging someone.
But for some time now I've been looking at some options on what I could possibly do later this year and next year. It makes me think of yesterday in church about leadership, "how far are you willing to stretch yourself?" Well let me answer that, you see I like to experience new heights and greater mountains to move. One step at a time, but right now I see small steps and later taking big steps that will change the way I look down the path I've already gone down. The thought I have is to go aboard and leave home. No I'm not going to give everyone a really short time to say goodbye. No worries I'll give you enough time to say it but I'm warning you it's not going to be easy for either of us. Why won't it be easy? Because one it's never easy to say good bye and two I don't think I'll be back for awhile once I leave. Now really don't worry and don't panic you have at the very least 14 months (I think). But so far I see a bright future and just an incredible life, but I should tell you, life is s beautiful thing and sometimes life is like a painting, you can't see the beauty until its finish but you can see the hard work into it.
But that's just it i see my fruit being produced and pruned.
But just because I want to abroad and go on ready to loose my life it doesn't mean take the big step yet it just means take one step to stretch yourself not to jump off a cliff. Get experience, take a risk and watch the mountains move into place.
Press on and follow hard after Christ. One last thing don't go into the darkness and leave your cup half empty.
Your life is the ultimate story of God's sovereignty so let Him tell it.

Thoughts, Thoughts and More Thoughts

Well 3 days later and some serious thought over several topics, so brief overview of some of the thoughts.

-I'm having one of the moments where I feel like all is vanity and there's nothing new under the sun. It's the same every week I want to get up and set up for church, go to church, learn a nip of information that may be helpful later on and just keep fighting to go back and fourth between two places at once. If you're asking, "are you depressed or something?" Well that's off the deep end of thinking. I am alright, but just flustered and annoyed by what's going on. However, I have the bright moments of Sunday like when I have some people reach out to me reminding me, "keep your head up and smile" :D and I'm happy I have my two buddies Sam and Cole making sure all is well.

-The word desire. Man that word has been stuck in my head dying to find a meaning that fits the christian meaning. I thought and thought, and thought some more. Well the word "desire" is used 87 times. Woo that just narrowed things down. Well lets define some of it in my thoughts.
_To long or hope for.
_To be used by God.
_Purpose inside.
_The will of God.
_Giving your life to God.
_Seeing God be glorified in my life.
_giving up life to serve God.
_Being the hands and feet of God.
_Moving ahead bold and confident.
_Taking ever steep in obedience.
_Finding delight in God's will for your life.
And some verses: Matthew 9:13, Colossians 3:1-17, Philippians 1:19-30, Romans 7:14-20, Psalms10:17, Psalms 73:25-26 and Isaiah 58.
Still it's pretty difficult to define even though it is basically to long or hope for. I know it seems pretty easy to define but in the Hebrew it translated in 27 different ways including the root. The one that struck me was Hedone (Greek ἡδονή.) Means desire, pleasure, or enjoyment. That was probably one of the more striking ones the other was a stronger negative form. Katastreniao (καταστρηνιάω.) translated desire. It means to burn fiercely, to be covetous, to be sensually stimulated.
That one really grabbed me.

Leadership-
There was a talk on the subject today at church. I found it interesting the talk. However it's been a good thing to learn definitely still much more to learn. I'll get to the point, it's a ongoing consistent learning process.

Two Nights and Very Little Sleep

The past two nights have been really difficult. I know this might sound weird coming from me but I've been up late. No not later than normal, but I've been actually trying to be asleep by 11. So over the past two nights I try to sleep then my heart starts racing and pounding and I start to get really hot. I get up walk around try and calm down. Well first night my heart pounds, I get real hot, I start shaking, I can hardly breathe and guilt, anxiety and panic attack me. I thought to tell my mom, but then I fall to the floor starting to cry, shake and several emotions come over me. As I pray I start to sing "Out of The Depths" Sovereign Grace music.... It was what I pretty much posted about in the one section yesterday. I really think that during this time God is teaching me worship. For me worship has been a experience and a half. But I realize that right now worship is the only thing getting me out of this darkness. So last night it was just more worship, more prayer and more emotions.
Let me show a few songs that are my sense of worshiping God.

All I Have is Christ, Sovereign Grace music
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0vfz5lr37g

Out of The Depths, Sovereign Grace music
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwKPMqxmvGc

Cornerstone, Hillsong
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWHgvkEPJiQ

I thought my anxiety was over especially after leaving my old Church like I've consistently said. I thought the anxiety was over because I got to go to the New Years part and they showed this, but this is only a part:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zWKm-LZWm4

And here's the entire thing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXK8W00GFOM

I guess it helped for a little while. To tell you the truth I'm still not over switching churches, yes two moths later I'm still holding on to it.
However, like I've said before the other church isn't half bad. It's just not my type I apologize for that but to some extent I have a say. But alas, my parents make the dessions and I have to deal with it.
I will now have to see how tonight goes, hopfully not as bitter/sweet as the last two nights.

All In 24 Hours

The past 24 hours have been crazy. It started last night with a really bad guilt/ panic/ anxiety attack and it was after guitar lessons and I was so ready for bed. Well, that all changed I try to go to sleep and nothing is working. 10:30 comes around I start praying then after try to sleep. Nope still being attacked with guilt, panic and anxiety. I think to go tell mom about what happened earlier that day and how I was feeling, nope still didn't happen. So as I go to do that I fall to the floor praying again and long story short after 15 minutes I am in tears and for many of you who know me I rarely cry. So I am pouring my heart out hear while a portion of my blanket in drenched with tears I was on my knees shaking and man was it intense. I about finish praying I turn on my dying iPod and go to YouTube searching "Out of The Depths" sovereign grace music and I start to lift us my hands in tears crying out before God. After I posted on my Facebook how God is so good then shortly after I feel asleep.
7:30am the dogs wake me up and the anxiety returns and yet all the thoughts I've been thinking about still rush in my head even though I asked God to show me the way. I thought; "well is this apart of God's plan?" I then go to dog sit. I get home moving around things then after that I just got lazy and unproductive. So around 4:30 my sister and our crazy neighbor Lexi comes over
and they want to go to Petco, dad says they have to go with me. Boy was I in for it and I didn't know it. So we go and Emily convinced me with Starbucks and I'm a sucker for Starbucks so I go along and oh my goodness, Lexi being a young one with so much to learn she says you're blackmailing us. Excuse me? Someone need a reality check. Well I go on trying to say lets go home. Yeah my sister Emily is falling in the same pit I did falling into the desires of the world because its pleasing. So we are finally on our way home and Lexi's all saying I'm being mean not hanging out with her. Honestly I'm doing myself a favor because whenever I've hung out with her I catch myself right in the path of sin.
Tonight after I got back I had to check in the dog I'm watching and then bolt for dance class. It's a great time and I finally get to stay for advanced class and I did alright.
I then get home eat and bolt again to check on the dog and turns out Lexi leaves her shirt here and I give it back and she wants to come with me and we talk and she says she wants to have her step mom's and her dad's trust I tell her of a mistake I made and ways to help her but it takes time and it's hard to explain because it's different for everyone. But later she's like I want to be like you. Wait hold the phone like me? Is she sure of that? Well she was all like yeah you're responsibility. I was like I'm not really always responsible I'm sometimes really lazy. She later mentions only not the way you dress. Another reality check the stuff you wear does not make who you are. I wish I could help be a bigger impact, but alas, I think it's best for me not to fall into sin and follow the world.
Mistakes I've been brought down by so many. I feel like that I'm this major screw up that never learns from the really dumb mistakes because so often I make the same darn mistake! I'm really tired of it, I just want to be duct taped by the mouth and quit being a big mouth.
All so much affliction and I feel it's bring me to my end where I feel like giving up but then comes a spark of joy and hope but then it just loops. I just don't know what to do but get on my knees and pray.

How About That 5K?

I told you I would keep you informed so here goes nothing. Well I've been pet sitting and my sister Faith has been tagging along so yesterday we went on and she had brought up the idea of exercise because both could lose a few pounds. Let me explain, obviously you should know by now my dad works for Blue Bell and before we moved to the city life was easier to keep the pounds off. But now I need to work my tail feathers off to keep the weight off. So now as she brings it up I'm getting pumped I have my own workout buddy to hold me to it and help each other lead and encourage each other. So what we've decided is ice cream twice a week and no more then if we 100 more calories then we had said we were going to that adds 5 sit ups. So now it's really a work in progress starting tomorrow. Yeah I procrastinated I'm horrible. But I'm starting better then nothing But that's the update on my training I'll let you know it goes and if I make it to my goal. My goal is 14 pounds before summer so let's do this thing!

From Struggle to Surrender (out of the depths)

I think we all now by now that I've been really struggling with the change I so desperately wanted because it meant me getting out of my comfort zone. Well I'll admit I was always so convinced oh I have no comfort zone I think we all know I do now. Yeah my own pride slapped in my face. But on to the real argument from struggle to surrender. Over the past 3 days I've been in between dog sitting and baby sitting then of course being a bum and watching the Super Bowl. That's the American life, eh? I guess that covers mine currently. So back on track, Sunday pastor Dan Cooley talking about surrender or commonly know and titled as worship. Honestly at this church I'm just getting bits and pieces that grab my attention. However it was about great for the last few minutes where I actually had laughed in a sermon (first time in awhile believe it or not) but then kneeling before God in silence. Personally it was a half decent Sunday opposed to a few others. It's been a roller coaster because for me I'll admit I can be pretty bull headed and stubborn if I don't want to do something or if I just want the world to revolve around me. But now with worship I'm not really part of singing praise on Sunday morning. Surprisingly it's not really anxiety anymore. So with worship go in bed pray go on YouTube and just pick songs to sing. One of the songs I absolutely love is "Out of The Depths" and it's a great reminder that we may fail to trust God's promises but how we see mercy in His hands and more then watchmen for the morning I will wait for you my God and when the harvest time is over and I still see no fruit I will wait for You. Makes me think of Job how God allowed the devil to take everything and yet Job still rejoiced and then God blesses him. And in Habakkuk 3:17-19 Habakkuk trusts God. Psalm 130 the psalmist cries out. They all surrender and yet like a stubborn donkey I fail to trust God because at times I am selfish and I think my way is better. I need to surrender and behold the Lamb if God because I am not my own. So out of the depths I cry to to oh Lord though I am tempted to despair. What do I have to learn is to fully trust on God. So rather then struggle turn it into surrender let Christ save you from your disaster and surrender yourself and kiss the Son. (Psalm 3)

Onward

Well as many of you realize I'm all planing ahead and taking the leap of faith here in my life. But now I'm coming to the reality of having to wait and learn a thing or two before I even go onward. Well even though today I was pet sitting and currently baby siting. But this could have some help in my responsibility and leadership. So now with learning these things I hope it will improve gradually and continually. I'm now just hopping that as time passes I can grow to rise the occasion where God wants me. I've been thinking about being a camp councilor as previously stated but it's really a thought to press onward. I'm just praying God will guide the way and possibly allow me to go. In case you were wondering the summer camp I was looking at its called Crestridge camp for girls. Personally I really like it because first off its for girls and I can be a role model and learn so much. Two it's outside of Asheville, North Carolina and I absolutely love North Carolina defiantly a win-win situation. But as I press onward and give this some really profound thought. This is where the to follow hard after Christ comes in I have to trust Him and as Dan Cooley preaching pastor at Cottonwood Church said, "If you don't like they way things are going, stop fussing about it and pray about it!" Well prayer has certainly already has had it's impact on my life so far, so who's to day it won't impact and change my outcome from the inside view? No one so I've nothing to loose. Onward I go to trust Christ. But out of all my other crazy ideas on life I can say so far this one is a bit stronger then when I felt like moving to Texas the only reason for saying that is because I'm actually more excited and more joyful. I can't really be certain because lo my plans are consistently changing. I've realized since I was 12 only two plans of my future have remained the same: going into the missions field and attending Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, Illinois to study ministry. To tell you the truth I'm excited but for now I need to work on my leadership skills, prayer, worship, beholding the Lamb and lastly finishing high school. So I'll keep you update on all my crazy extravagant ideas.